La Vinto Ambre

It’s so hard to believe how much time really fly. I haven’t been online for quite awhile. My pc is down since the last time and werk is really taking up my time. But worry no more coz I’ve already got a replacement for my first gen iBook to a HP Pavilion Entertainment! Its a bit tedious though having to switch from a mac to a window.

Alot of things have been going on these past few years.. The good, the bad and the ugly.. Haiz.. As usual, people come and go. It’s only ur real friends and family stay true. The rest is bullshit! Anyway, I’ve fallen in love and got the heart broken again. What’s new? Haha.. Was werking at Celio for about a year and a half and finally call it quit and currently, werking in Esprit. Werking life in Esprit seems hectic at first, but i’m getting a hang of it and more or less i’m starting to enjoy it there. Thanx to the people around me, they’re the ones that is really making a difference. I’ve even made some good frens too.

There’s a few people in my life that I really missed. Especially, Shahira and Jesse. I miss u gerls.
Care to join me on my next shopping trip? This time is retail therapy for real!

I think you’re sick of my love stories, so this time I’m gonna skip that part. It’s never a happy ending anyway. Haha.. but i will juz attach a poetry to share wif you guys.

To him if he’s reading these (though I doubt so! Haha..!):
Thanx for everything and pls don’t think I’m hating you coz I really don’t. I’ve cherished every moment that we’ve spent together and I hope you do too. I gez its juz not meant to be. What could have been, had been. I’ll pray for your well-being and happiness. Always.

Juz a clue for the curious cats out there, if you’ve catch Sex and The City, he’s supposed to my Big.. So, keep guessing…

Here it goes…

It’s so hard to say “I love you,”
And not draw back in tears,
It’s so hard to know that you’re not there
To help me face my fears.

It’s so hard to know the phone’s at reach,
But I cannot hear your voice,
It’s so hard to know that once again,
This time breaking up was not my choice.

It’s so hard to see you laughing
When I’m crying deep inside,
It’s so hard to just find feelings
And now have to make them hide.

It’s so hard to live without you,
When I need you more than words,
To want to scream how much I love you
But hold back and not be heard.

It’s so hard to go to sleep at night
When I cannot dream of you,
It’s so hard to think that you might
Already fall for someone new.

It’s so hard to not start crying
When I hear your favourite song,
It’s so hard to sit and wonder,
Where did I go wrong?

It’s so hard to live without you,
If I only would have known.
I will never love another,
I would rather be alone.

-It’s So Hard, originally written by Becca Woolf. This is my edited version.

My Playlist:
I Want You To Want Me – Letters To Cleo
Not Forever – Tsunami Bomb
Tire Swing – Kimya Dawson
Dearest – Buddy Holly
Superstar – Sonic Youth
Anyone Else But You – The Moldy Peaches
Time To Waste – Alkaline Trio
I Won’t See You Tonight (Part 1) – Avenged Sevenfold
Only One – Yellowcard

I knoe these will only lead to heartbreak.. But me being me have to just give another try.. Ami crazy? Stupid mayb.. It’s near the end now.. Me back to being the loner.. For a short while ignorance is bliss..

Frens closest to me will knoe what i’m trying to express.. I knoe u guys already expect this to happen.. But pls save ur ”i told u so”. Things happened for a reason. But i thank u guys for looking out for me..

Mayb these are signs all the more why i should get away for awhile. I think i’ve make up my mind somehow or another.. It should be for the best for me and the people that matters.. Hope things will go smoothly this year before i start a new next year..

Everyone can be emo at times..
u knoe wat i mean..
but i juz hate it wen i feel all emo shit..
i can’t really explain at this point of time wen i’m in my insanity period..
i’ll blog again wen i’m more sane i gez..

for now,
this is wat’s playing in my bloody head right now,
this is how emo i am,
and this is how i feel..

—————————————————————————————–

“Duhai kekasih pujaan hatiku
Dapatkah kau memberiku satu arti
Sedikit rasa yang bisaku mengerti
Bukan sumpah atau janji..

Buktikanlah bila kau ada cinta
Setulus hatimu bisa menerima
Sebatas kejujuran yang kau miliki
Bukan sekedar bersama..

JUJURLAH PADAKU
BILA KAU TAK LAGI CINTA
TINGGALKANLAH AKU
BILA TAK MUNGKIN BERSAMA
JAUHI DIRIKU
LUPAKANLAH AKU
oh…

JUJURLAH PADAKU
BILA KAU TAK LAGI SUKA
TINGGALKANLAH AKU
BILA TAK MUNGKIN BERSAMA
JAUHI DIRIKU
LUPAKAN LAH AKU
SELAMANYA..”

-Jujur, Radja

my title has nothing to do with wat i’m gonna write actually..
juz thought of titling it that.. haha

since started werk, life’s been quite hectic i should say.
this is the only time i’m feeling good enuf to be checking my account.
juz had another one of those job training juz now..
tomorrow’s my off day!!!
yay!!

since i’m blogging now,
i shall put down about the dream i had the night before yesterday…
surprise! surprise!
i had a dream about my ex-bf, Anhar…?!?!
i dun even knoe y..?
it’s been almost 2 years ago..
i thought i’ve already forgotten about him..
well..
who knows..

anyway, there’s a lot of people i’ve been missing..
sori guys i didn’t have time to meet up with you guys..
hopefully since Ramadan is juz around the corner, we could all meet up and break our fast together in one of the days..
Insya’allah..

and i also miss my frog prince..
been wondering what he’s been doing..
but i gez both of us are bz with our own things..
haha..
hope he’s in gd health though..

i’m so frustrated that i still didn’t manage to catch The Devil Wears Prada!!
AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

oh ya!! i forgot to mention about the gd things that happen at werk..

hahhaha…

if you knoe me well enuf, you should knoe what i’m gonna share with you..
its definitely about a crush i have.. at werk..
dun wori peeps, its juz a crush..
its a juz the thing that motivates me to go to werk every morning.. haha..

info about him..
-he’s probably too old for me, i think..
-he’s gd-looking
-he’s a drinker and a smoker
-he drives
-i think he’s a player
-still not sure what race he is

haha..
basically, that’s all i knoe about him besides his name and which department he werks for..
can’t tell you that for sure..!

well that’s all i can share with you guys for now..
can’t wait to be transfered to harbourfront soon…

the day shall come, i presume..

adios! for now..
dee..

A lot of things has happened between these few weeks.
The good as well as the bad.
But again, its another lesson in life, making me understand.
It never really cross my mind that Death is a part of Life, until now.

I’m now coping with a lost.
I can’t believe how different your life could be after u lost someone so close to you.
It’s extremely hard for me.
My life is different without him in my life.
He’s the person i grew up listening to, laughing at and crying with.
Now, it came he’s time to go.
Eventhough i’m sad about the lost, i’m glad that he went in peace.

I can’t help it that after the 9th day of his funeral, while writing these, my tears still fall.
Remembering he’s last words to me and the fact that I was one of the last people he talk to.
Plus, realising that everything happened just 2 weeks before I turn 20.
He’s been a wonderful grandfather and i won’t hesitate to say that he definitely had been an amazing father to some and a great friend to everyone.

I’m gonna miss u, Atok..
Allahyarham Haji Affandi bin Haji Muhamad
Al-Fatihah..

How cruel of him.
How selfish of him.
Left me alone to suffer for all his crap.
This is bullock!
Is this what its all about?
After all we’ve been through..
All the joy and happiness,
All the hugs and kisses;
All those times we shared together.

With all guts,
And all my wits.
Plus all my hardwork,
And all my money;
I’ve pull him through.
Through all the deep shit,
And all the hardship;
With all I could.
Be there when he needed me the most.
Why couldn’t he give me the same?

And still after all that bull,
What is this, I heard about another gerl?
A gerl I never knew existed in your life;
Who’s willing to do more than I could..
For you.
Why?

Don’t you have the heart?
Or don’t you at least have the gut?
Maybe a nerve..?
To have juz told me of..?
Please make me understand.
They say silent is our worst enemy.
It quite make sense for me now.
Thanks to your games.

I don’t need anymore right now.
I have more than enough burden for my shoulders.
I might juz collapse sooner or later.
I did tripped a few times.
Leaving a few bruises here and there,
A drops of blood and tears somewhere.
Now waiting for the day to end.

All that I really want right now,
Is for you to juz tell me.
Tell me if you want me to stay,
Or juz tell me to go away.
Dun leave me hanging,
Waiting for day to past,
Dangling alone not knowing what’s happening.
It’s killing me softly,
Silently eating inside,
Bits and bits of me.

I can promise that I’ll never forget you,
But I will definitely assure you that I won’t forgive you.
Because of you I learnt.
I learn not to trust anyone;
Not even myself.
And I do know for sure,
I will never be good enough for you.
And knowing that,
It’s a confront for me from life,
That if I’m not good enough for you,
I can never be good enough for anyone.

Loneliness seems to be my best friend since.
It never betrays me,
Always there for me.
If only being alone is a guy,
He’ll be my soulmate.
The one thing, that makes me alive.
And the only thing that makes me die.

Thanx alot for everything;
For all the pain,
And all the sorrows;
For the money i spent,
And all the time i waste;
For the tears that drop against my cheeks,
And the biggest crack you built in my heart.
And that simply explain,
Why you’re my ‘hero’.

All that I need now is for the rain to fall from the sky,
For the sun to shine ever so brightly,
and..
For the rainbow to come out once again.
And that be the day I’m waiting for all my life.
At the moment, I’m sick of waiting,
For you…

There’s so much to be overcome in life. Day after day, i wonder what’s more worse that can happen after..

i’m a hardcore beilever in things happen for a reason. But it seems harder and harder to keep the faith as time passes me by.. I had never believe nor understand why some people would actually thinks that ending life would be an easy way out, but now i guess i’m getting a clue.

There’s a lot on my mind right now.. Juz to get it in words seem impossible.
I’ve been trying to run away from my problems and sorrows by juz forgetting about it and not think about it. Until now, its juz eating me bit by bit deep inside. I dunno how long more i can take it. I’m juz holding on. Living life as it is.

life is full of surprises.
everyone has their own problems.
no one is perfect.

i’m juz not gd enough.
i screw up my life.
who needs me?
i dun need me.

pathetic dun u think.
i’m lost myself.

1 miracle in life would change my world.
i dun expect though.

but y me?
or y can’t it be me?

i’m happy today!!
so so happy!!
i shall be named Happy for awhile..

*talking to jade on the phone.*

i love jade..
haha..